Age Old Rivalries
by turbomagnus
Summary: Xander's reason for hating Angel and Spike is a roadblock when the latter brings the Scoobies information on a demonic threat. S3AU.


Summary: Xander's reason for hating Angel and Spike is a roadblock when the latter brings the Scoobies information on a demonic threat. S3AU, no Mayor or Faith going bad. Not direct bashing, but not Buffy or Angel friendly, either.

Author's Note: Based on an amusing challenge I found, apparently from 'Caliadragon', involving Xander having a non-"they're vampires" reason for hating Angel and Spike, being accused of being a 'species bigot' for hating them, and Buffy reminding everyone of the love/lust spell from season three. Minor request; ignore any inconsistancies and focus on the intended humor, huh?

Disclaimer: "Buffy The Vampire Slayer" and all associated characters and situations are the creation and property of Joss Whedon and are used for entertainment purposes without permission or intent to profit.

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"Age Old Rivalries"  
By J.T. Magnus, 'Turbo'

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"Come on!" Xander snarled, "We're supposed to trust _Spike_ of all things? Has everyone forgotten he kidnapped Joyce? Or how about trying to give a humanity-destroying super-weapon to Drusilla as a 'birthday present'? Oh, wait, let's not forget grabbing Dru and running after saying he'd help us fight Angelus, how about that? He might be telling the truth about this demon, but that doesn't mean I'm going to take just his word for it and if you all want to do that, don't ask me to work with him! I'll just be off over to the side as usual; waiting to fix things when they get screwed up to the point of near-Apocalyptic, okay?"

More than one voice called out chidingly, "Xander!"

"I speak truth!" he snapped back, "I wouldn't trust him even if I had him at cross-point. Just like his Grandsire in that way, isn't he?"

Buffy's eyes narrowed, "What do you mean 'at cross-point, just like his Grandsire'?"

Slowly, Xander turned his head to glare at Angel, "A lie by omission is still a lie, Deadboy. Especially when you're omitting it to make yourself look better."

Faith glanced from Xander - whose current 'take charge' attitude was making her regret kicking him out of her room that night a few weeks prior - to the elder vampire, "Something we should know here?"

Giles, who at best had been cordially distrustful of Angel - something that his kidnapping and torture by Angelus had brought a large step back to 'hostilely co-operative', frowned at the ensouled vampire, "Indeed, whatever this lie by omission might be, it seems weighty enough a matter from Xander's words that it bares informing us."

"It's not important right now!" Buffy's remark put several listeners in mind of a child stomping her foot and demanding that her friends play her game instead of their own. "We need to focus on the demon, not Angel or Spike."

"I don't know," Faith scoffed, "If it means I have to worry about a stake in my back or fangs in my neck from your 'tame' vampires some point in the future, maybe when we're dealing with this demon, I'd kind of like to know."

"Not exactly comfortable here either," Cordelia waved a hand, "Remember? Last time I saw Peroxide Poster-Boy, I ended up with rebar in very uncomfortable places."

"Yeah, and Xander ended up messing around with love spells shortly after!" Buffy snapped, trying to redirect the topic.

"That was my mistake, I admit," Xander shrugged, "I did very stupid things and deserve to be shot in the butt with heart-shaped arrows for them... But I admit it was a mistake, what about you?"

"The only mistake I've made has been letting other people get involved with Slaying," Buffy retorted sharply. "Especially you, Mister 'Love Spells and Jealousy'!"

"For the... oh, Christ's sake," Xander rolled his eyes. "Get off your high horse, Buffster, I dropped the interested in you thing a long time ago; and even if I hadn't, trust me, the fact you got all rumpy-pumpy-uppy-downy with Deadboy over there killed it for good. Now the other Slayer, maybe..."

For a moment, Faith wasn't entirely sure she wanted to blush, gape in surprise or hit Xander over the head with a ball-peen hammer.

"But you, that ship's sailed, sunk and rusted away on the ocean floor!" Xander continued. "Jealousy? You really think I hate your blood-sucking boytoy and his too-stupid-to-die corps because I'm jealous?"

"Well, you kinda have been known to trod in the realm of green-eyed monsterness," Willow remarked, running a hand through her hair.

"Yeah, well, that doll was getting more attention from my best friend than I was. And that was almost fifteen years ago, Wills, come on..."

Wesley huffed somewhat pompously, "Well, then, Mister Harris; please enlighten us as to the reasoning for your opinions if, as you claim, jealousy is not involved..."

"I can't believe no one has yet to figure it out. Ancient prophecies, demonic riddles, these are in the 'no problem category', but you can't figure out why I hate our resident capital-V Vampires?" Xander chuckled, almost coldly, "Remind me not to call you if I'm on 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire'... geez..."

The word 'millionaire' got Cordelia's immediate and complete attention; "Oh! If I figure it out, you can call me and then we can split your winnings!"

"Veronica Lodge lives, people," Faith muttered loud enough for all to hear. "She just moved from one 'Dale to another."

Xander's cold expression broke into one of amused disbelief, "Archie comics?"

"A girl's got to read something," Faith answered in a tone that almost sounded like pouting. "They made me laugh. Anyway, aren't you supposed to be telling?"

"Far be it from me to deny a lady," Xander said with a smirk.

"Xander..." Faith threateningly said, as much at being called 'a lady' as for his attempted avoidance.

"It's simple. It's so simple I thought it was obvious, English, English, sorta-English," Xander pointed at Wesley, Spike, Angel, then Giles, "Definitely English..."

"Well what are you then?" Spike demanded at the same time as Angel rather hotly snapped about being Irish, not English.

"Well, if you check my family tree, what I am... on my mother's side..." Xander smirked, "...is French."

Wesley and Giles exchanged a sharp look before turning a combined glare on Xander and chorusing, "Damn the French!"

Faith couldn't help herself, she burst out laughing, barely managing to force out a single word; "Seriously?"

Cordelia couldn't believe what she had heard, she knew he was an idiot, but this was beyond idiot, this was more like mega-idiot or 'king of idiots', "You've acted like this for the last three years for what? Because of some old national rivalry thing with a country you've never even been to?"

"But they're English!" Xander said as though the word were the most vile curse he knew and merely saying it explained all.

"I am not!" Angel protested again rather loudly.

"Do you mind?" Xander rolled his eyes, "Living people are talking here."

"Xander! Don't talk to him like that!" Buffy snapped, invoking another eyeroll from the 'normal human' himself and, ironically enough, one from the 'Bloody Awful Poet' as well.

"Okay, they may be English, but did you come from France?" the 'Queen Bee' of Sunnydale High asked somewhat tauntingly, "Did your parents or grandparents come from France?"

"Actually, it was my great-grandfather - Jean Henri LaVelle," Xander answered with a faint sigh.

Cordelia huffed, "Then you're American, shut up."

Xander sputtered for a moment at Cordy's demand before feeling a hand pat him on the shoulder.

"Yeah, she's an idiot," Faith said compassionately, "Bet telling you that's like telling me not to hate a Yankees fan - not the way things are supposed to work, huh?"

"Nothing around here works the way things are supposed to work," Xander snapped, "Otherwise we wouldn't have a Slayer who forgets the 'S' her title starts with, huh?"

"Hey!" Both Buffy and Angel shouted.

"Did I stutter?" Xander asked rhetorically. "Oh, and Deadboy? Your joining in on the shout proves my point."

"Well, be that as it may..." Giles adjusted his glasses with a tug on the frames, "And Xander's rather... unfortunate heritage aside... the factor on which we should be focusing on is that, if Spike's information is, by chance, correct, we may have an opportunity to deal with this year's major threat at some point before the waning days of the academic terms."

"Is that even allowed?" Faith quipped.

"It's never happened before," Willow observed.

"Maybe it's an apocalyptic event in and of itself?" Xander suggested.

Wesley cleared his throat loudly, "Ladies... and Mister Harris... please... Mister Giles? Continue..."

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Author's Note; No, there's no proof of Xander having any French ancestry whatsoever in canon. It merely came to me in a bout of humor as a completely non-canonical reason why he might take so much pleasure in frustrating Giles, Spike and Wesley, in particular, based on the historic relationship between the English and the French. The idea of him seeing Angel's Irish heritage as being 'close enough' to English has no real such basis, I just liked the idea of him getting lumped in with the Brits and constantly protesting it.


End file.
